I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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