I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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