I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
