i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
