Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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