Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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