woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
