I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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