my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
