yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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