If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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