This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
