y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
