and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I need a burrito and a hug.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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