he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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