I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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