Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I fill condoms, not promises.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
