The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
