take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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