he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
