Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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