Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
