...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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