Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
