Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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