you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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