Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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