I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
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I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
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Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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