CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
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