im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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