do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
