i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
