i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
