I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
50% drunk capacity currently
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
