drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
