I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I faked an abortion last night.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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