Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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