i need an iv and a liver transplant
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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