i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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