if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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