Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
