she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
