The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
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