no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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