I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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