so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
