Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
