Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
it's like heaven, but drunker
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
