and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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