I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
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and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
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I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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