Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
