would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
