Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
