I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
