I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
