it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
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