I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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